Monday, August 15, 2011

Like A Smurf

So the next day I got picked up and started using hardcore again for almost two weeks. I made money... Can't really disclose how I made money but I had money and I was using Meth and Heroin everyday and I was drinking but not as heavily as I usually do. I didn't go balls to the wall. However with the drugs I did. After a week of using I was at my sisters friends apartment and they were moving so we were all just sitting around waiting for the movers I think but we were all smoking Heroin and there was one kid who had some clean rigs and I took him aside bought some Heroin and did three big shots... which I thought were small but this particular Heroin was really strong and After the 2nd shot I was pretty messed up but I decided to do one more small one before me and this kid left the bathroom. I had to hide this because my sister would not want to be apart of me shooting up. I couldn't really stand up I started throwing up about 10 minutes later and I was so disoriented I didn't know what was going on and I was just in the bathroom the whole time sick and dry heaving after about 20 minutes of that I remember being super tired, like beyond tired... and I even called a few friends to help because my sister wasn't listening and she thought I was just complaining... but I was slowly overdosing and no one knew.. but I knew something was wrong, finally we got in the car and I was excited so I sat in the back and tried to rest and when we stopped at home depot for some reason that was my last memory I must have passed out and I have no idea how long I was out for but I was drooling and foaming and my sister happened to look back and I was completely blue, my lips, nails, legs even, so her fiance flips a bitch and he was freaking out which made her freak out. He has actually dealt with a lot of people overdosing and said hes never seen anyone this far gone, he actually didn't think he could revive me and we sure asa hell didn't have enough time to make it to any hospital. So they checked me and I wasn't breathing and had no pulse so he was breathing air into my lungs and luckily I came to and I don't remember that at all, the next thing I remember was trying to fall back asleep and my sister yelling at me to stay awake and I was angry at her because I wanted to sleep but when we stopped the car she was like dude you just died... I was in total shock, I mean I had no idea obviously... So we got back to her place, that was the next thing I remember and I just sat on the couch and stayed awake for a bit so I didn't pass back out.. That was pretty scary for all of us. I really had no intention of wanting to die this time and it was definitely an eye opening for me...

Walking Skeleton

When I got home I went right back on Klonopin and Valium and Adderall. I was getting different kinds of Adderall from 3 different doctors, one I would get the XR, another doctor I would get the instant release and then the other doctor I would just get different dosages. Same with the Benzos I would get different kinds and dosages so I could get a lot. I dropped like 15-20 pounds right away and looked like death. People were commenting because It was so gross and scary. I was a wreck and also paranoid with this particular guy because of an ex and I've had bad experiences with boyfriends and ex girlfriends lurking in the background and sure as shit he was two timing both of us but obviously I got the shit end of the stick. He really wanted her the whole time and I was just a pawn... I was vulnerable and stupid and we had wedding plans and that part got way carried away and I blame both of us. I was delirious but he didn't help. 

He really portrayed Edwrd from Twilight and I just fell head over heals but thats in the past and it didn't end well I got suicidal and that was partly because I wasn't sleeping or eating and on all these medications so I was just a huge mess. So he ended up technically cheating and then just stopped talking to me, it was horrible so 2 weeks later  I entered a treatment facility and was there for 4 freakin months...It was nice not to have an ankle bracelet on, I had another one of those things on for the two months before treatment. Treatment was tough but I do feel like I grew there and got down to the bottom of some issues, my anxiety is gone now and Im really not depressed and feel I don't even have A.D.H.D however I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder which explains the abandonment issues and co dependency and fears I have. Thats why my relationships were so messed up. My parents weren't comfortable with me coming home so I had to go to transitional housing and the day I left literally a day later I got wasted and didn't come home that night and then naturally got kicked out the next day. I honestly thought they were rude their and I would never recommend that place to ANYONE. That place still makes me angry that leads me to my next overdose...

Unholy Confessions

While I was in treatment it was co ed but we couldn't talk to the guys but there was a guy that caught my eye and we exchanged numbers and so when my mom came to visit me on the saturday I left I had texted him from her phone and told him to come get me and he did and so on my way I went and we went out that night to  a bar and I got wasted and the next day I went to my friends house and stayed with her and didn't contact anyone but I hung with him the whole week or week and a half I was out. I had a little money but spent that on dope and I was bangin again that week with him. My parents filed a missing person report because no on had heard from me except like two of my friends. Him and I started kinda dating and the last night I was on the run we had got some Heroin and apparently it was mixed with coke so that didn't sit well with him and he overdosed.. I walked up stairs from making him like the 3rd sandwich because the damn dog kept eating the first 2 I had made for him. I think he was overdosing for like 20 min before he went out because he seemed sick or something, I tried to make him feel better but then he did more and was turning blue and shit. It was really scary so my friend and I called for an ambulance and then police came. He was saved and I went to jail that night because of the warrant I had out and the next morning I was released because my probation expired.. lol so I guess I got off easy.. at least in that state. I was just glad that legal stuff was done with. After that him and I decided to make it official and somewhere along the lines we got engaged. Everything is a bit hazy during that time and it was all messed up but it happened.. I then flew back home a week after all of that happened. I still took pills and drank before I flew back home and Im sure I got drunk on the plane... my poor dad... Im sure I was a peach!

My Addiction 2010

                              I wrote this when I was a week clean from Heroin
                                                           MY ADDICTION

Year after year I wait for some sort of miracle to happen
While this crazy cycle just keeps getting worse
I think to myself, maybe someone will come out with some magic pill
To cure my addiction..
I sit and wait and try everything under the sun to help me stop

But who am I kidding, deep down it’s just an excuse to keep using
And it buys me more time to “have fun” and be free and it makes me feel better
But in reality this addiction has chained me to the ground
And has stripped all freedom from me

I think at times I am untouchable and that ill quit a month from now
That month comes and I say the same thing again
That is why this cycle never ends and hasn’t

It has taken my soul at times and has caused a lot of pain
Drugs and alcohol are an obsession for me
I dream about it, day dream about it and think about it any chance I can get
Even jail, institutions and near death hasn’t stopped me

I lie to everyone I care about
Manipulate anyone and everyone to get what I want
I will even steal knowing I might get caught
I don’t care about the consequences
or think about how this could affect me

At times its like there is someone in my head but its not me
Its almost like something takes over me at times and
I am a completely different person
Its frightening and terrifies some people
I have lost many friends because I get so out of control

Drugs have givin me courage and hope
It has been the only thing Ive had when ive been really low
Its never failed to be right there by my side
We have been through a lot together
The thought of never using again is scary
Drugs have even helped me come out of my shell
But little did I know it was only a matter of time before it would destroy me
And tear me to the ground and strip all of my confidence and take away all of the fun
That’s how it tricks you, you start off so high up there to only get thrown down to the ground

Its hard because its not like heroin comes in a pill bottle with the side effects on it
And im not talking about the physical side effects
The side effects where you lose your family
Your job, your house and everything that is important to you
But its so easy to think “that wont happen to me” but in time it usually does
If your in the game long enough

I have been so dependent on them I am scared of the unknown
I am scared of how I will cope with certain things

But damn it I have had enough
Enough heart ache
Enough pain
Enough suffering
Enough drama
Its time to put a stop to this madness
Its time to start listening to people
And its time to put more god in my life

I am worth more than a pill or a bottle of wine
Deep down I know that now is my time
Or I may not be alive…

Run Like Hell

I really don't remember much from September 2010-December except I blew through 5500 in like a week or something and was doing every drug...Drinking everyday and I wasn't just getting drunk I would get totally shit faced every night. So Since the spring I had a hard core alcohol addiction along with the drugs and luckily I was prescribed Valium because I would have really bad withdrawals. So August my dad made me turn myself in and it wasn't as bad as I thought and I got sentenced to 45 days house arrest but during the two weeks before I still drank like a fish and was shooting Heroin and Meth and one night after I had been up I had called my dad crying because I wanted drugs so bad and he picked me up and I was so suicidal I tried jumping out of the car and so he pulled over and an ambulance came and of course cops did too and they reported what happened because I had a BAC of .4 but that was nothing for me because my tolerance was so high. I ended up doing meth and drinking the night before I had to get my ankle bracelet on but when I went there they did not let me leave they booked me because of the violation of drinking when the cops showed up with the ambulance... So that was scary about 12 hours later I started having really bad DT's and was up till 5 A.M. finally dozed off for an hour waking up to noises and flashing lights in my room and screamo music...There were scary faces on my door window.. I thought the guards were outside my door watching me and laughing..  So finally after sitting there confused I sat up to find "guys" outside my window right by the road (I had a huge window overlooking a golf course and there was a non accessible road too..) They were throwing rocks at my window and had a pellet gun.. and there were midgets and a guy in a bear suit dancing around.. mooning me.. I was laughing so hard and I was so confused thinking WTF are these people doing.. I hallucinated for two days straight.. It was more funny than scary but considering I thought they were real I didn't see the nurse until the afternoon when I couldn't handle the shakes and then I was taken to the ER because it was so bad and my mouth was completely jacked up with canker soars all over and my tongue had been scrapped raw... It hurt so bad so not only did I have a painful mouth but my withdrawals were not pleasant. 

So after the worst part was over I continued taking 20 mg of Valium daily and then 30 mg of Adderall in jail.. I went to court after 45 days and was sentenced to a treatment center so I had an ankle bracelet for a week before and I drank on that and got away with that somehow but I went to treatment for 30 days and left after 30 days, my anxiety was so bad I couldn't take it and I had to medicate...

On My Own.

Living on my own rent free allowed me to party every night except a few because I actually did hold down a job, They were lenient on me and knew about my addiction but were really caring and helpful but I partied a lot and went to a lot of clubs and more bars and became obsessed with the glamour of it all and I went to some raves and really loved the nightlife. I had a lot of friends and got a lot of guys and a lot of drugs and free booze and I was making good money so I felt on top of the world at times but then when I would go back home alone I felt lonely and sad... I would Skype with friends out of state or drink myself to sleep but it was really depressing. I have a Breathalyzer in my car and the normal length of time is one year but since I continued to drive drunk with it I have an extra 4 years tacked on. I would have random people blow for me and be so intoxicated it was ridiculous. After a while I met some people who had Heroin connections and oxycontin. January of 2010 was when I first tried a needle... I loved it and did it a few more times with this one girl and was using heroin a lot I would either snort it or smoke it or shoot it depending on if it was black tar or china. My work performance and attendance was really dropping and finally one day I came to work and on break my friends came because they had my car and I had smoked 3 oxycontins 80's to myself and went back to work  (thinking I was normal lol) and I literally could not keep my eyes open and I tired so hard to keep awake and finally my assistance manager called me in and she said " We know you are high so you are done here." I was livid and also sad, the guy I was dating was waiting outside for me and I walked out and broke down and pulled out more pills to do... I really loved that job.. So weeks went by and I actually had a copy of the key so one night I needed money for dope and I went and robbed them at like 1 A.M. and stole the money from the register and booked ass out of there, so my friend was driving because I had to hope back in the car quick and his license was suspended... we get pulled over my my tags being expired.. and my car got towed.. I just continued to use and take pills and drug after drug and was even doing a little bit of lean on occasion. So weeks went by and one morning after being up for a couple days I had been doing a lot of heroin and literally did a few lines and there was a knock at the door... it was a few detectives and they said they had to take me down for questioning, I was nodding out really bad I couldn't function at all and long story short I was charged with Burglary class 3 Felony.  I got a lawyer and got it dropped down but I am on probation and thats been hectic because it obviously gets in the way of me using. Right after I got sentenced I moved back home and off to my home state we went...

Repeat Offender

That following December I got my 4th DUI and rear ended someone. That was a mess... So  My car was out of commission for a few months but I was still partying during this time. I moved back home and made more broken promises and attempted to get clean for like the 50th time but I still would fall.I did have some months where I was clean or really doing well but I think besides the pregnancy it was no longer than 3 months tops.. Then I would relapse. I am definitely a chronic relapser... during this time I was very promiscuous, guys, girls 1, 2 or 3 people it didn't matter.. I was constantly at different bars around the valley having a blast at times but underneath all of that was pain and anger This was around the time I got heavy into cocaine and stepped up my pill addiction a little and was taking more and harder/stronger pills and doing the occasional meth. After my DUI I had went out with my sister and her husband and She convinced me to try Ecstasy.. but she convinced me to do not 1 or 2 but 3.. and it was my first time.. Ya that did not end well. After 5 hours or so she started getting sick and I was getting bad anxiety and shortly after my breathing slowed down a lot and i was really cold... I forgot how to breathe and i had to lay down and ride it out.. but it felt like there was a semi truck on my chest. My chest hurt so bad. It was pretty scary but stupid me goes back to the dealer a week later and buys more, I thought maybe if i just took one instead of 3 I would be fine but I got a panic attack and went to the ER for some benzos, so that was definitely not fun. I think it was because I was with a guy that I didn't feel comfortable with and he was just not comforting. My relationship with my ex continued to get worse and after another year of that he started dating one of my so called friends. I still can't stand this girl to this day, she ruins everyones relationship. She is a snake and she's downright sick.
I really thought I couldn't go on without him so the tighter I held on the worse it got and she got involved and it was one big huge mess. So I dove further into the bottle and was using coke daily. I had to strip to pay my car payment and I had a good job for 11 months but my habit was so expensive when I would get my student loan I would spend a few grand in one night. During this time I had moved in with my coke head friend and our dealer was there like everyday he basically lived there. So I was getting free drugs and he was even helping me pay some of my DUI fines and a car payment I think once. He actually was a decent guy and made sure I never went hungry and had a place. I had to get away from my ex and that also meant drowning my sorrows in booze and drugs. I've had a lot of close calls with more overdoses which I think by the grace of God I was saved for some reason.  One particular night I had been up all night doing coke and meth and drinking over a bottle to myself and then took a bunch of morphine,somas, two different kinds of benzos and a  bunch of percocet and vicodins...and smoked a little heroin.. I don't know how I am still alive from that but luckily I made it home and mid text to my parents I passed out and they rushed back to take me to the ER and I was fine but that was scary and the doctor thought I was nuts.. I had so much pain and felt so abandoned by people I was beyond lost. I didn't know who I was or what I even wanted at times. My opiate addiction was getting really bad so I went on Suboxone for a while but I was still drinking and using coke so really it was pointless, but I was trying...This went on for a while and then I moved back home fall of 2009 for a bit and then that December I got a domestic violence charge and criminal damage... That happened with my mom...the details are really quite terrifying and I was really scary but long story short I said and did some things that night that I wish on everything that I could take back. So naturally I was kicked out and I found a place to stay, no rent I just had to pay for my own shit obviously and then food.