Sunday, August 14, 2011

Party Like A Rockstar

I want to hold my breath for as long as it takes. I want to stop breathing just long enough to know what it would be like to be totally still. Like being just a cough away from death. Not really there- not really here. -Me

9th grade... what a year.. I really went haywire this year. I continued to party and was finally crowned class clown.. What I had worked for.. pretty pathetic but I took pride in my work. I was still in dance and performing but this year I started with small groups/ large groups and I did a solo. Won some awards and did really well. partying didn't effect my dancing quite yet.My parents had put me in more counseling trying different counselors and also psychiatrists and testing/assessments. It was getting out of control. I even tried A.A. for the first time at 15 years old! crazy! I started using inhalants, huffing things around the house like dust off and hairspray and my dads deodorant (Arid) pretty disgusting... I would take a bath towel and put it over the nosel and go at it. Im sure I have some nasty brain damage from that stuff. I also would drink cough syrup and take coricidin pills. I use to suck down bottles at a time and take handfuls of those pills to trip all day long at school. A few times I landed in the nurses office because I couldn't stand up.. It was beyond embarrassing. I would bring bottles of booze to school and put them in water-bottles and blatantly drink them in class and get piss drunk. I also started taking pills like percocet and vicodin... I occasionally would abuse my adderall and ritilan that I got from my doctor.

I started failing classes and getting suspended for things like mooning but I made sure I had a way to get my drugs and booze. Nothing mattered but getting high and keeping my reputation which was really probably getting shattered but I  thought i was hardcore. I think being that young it was portrayed as cool and I was looked at as funny and a lot of fun but what people didn't know was the pain i felt inside and the shit I pushed deep down. I was put on a special plan called a 504 plan for kids with A.D.H.D and who were suffering in school academically wise. I harassed a few kids and it ended up pretty bad where their parents were called and I was called into the counseling office where I was blasted. I really meant no harm I just took my humor too far a lot of the times and it ended me in the principles office a lot. I got very close with the school drug counselor being as though I was called in a lot because I was always loaded in school. I started messing around with guys during this time but still kept my virginity for another year at least. I missed my 9th grade formal because I was in an inpatient facility for drugs and alcohol and missed out on a lot of normal teenage stuff because of my addiction.
 This would have been a great year for one of these if it were invented back then...

My parents continued to drag me to more counselors and psychiatrists and I was put on more medications for more trial runs including Adderall, Strattera, Ritilan, Effexor, Zyprexa, Trileptal and Wellbutrin. Those were just a few. I tried Biofeedback and hypnotherapy during this time as well. So after all of these attempts failed my parents tried another outpatient but those didn't last so they put me into a 30 day inpatient treatment I first went to Hazelden and got kicked out because I was getting to close to a guy who was 18 (I was only 15) and He was obsessed with me but to me I felt special and loved and the attention was nice, I got pretty attached as well so when i was kicked out i lost it. I remember really being devastated when we had to split up. One counselor there thought I might be Bi-Polar but I was never diagnosed. I still had Anxiety, A.D.H.D and Depression. Since I got kicked out my parents shipped me out of state to a 6 week wilderness program and I was so angry I didn't write them for about 3 weeks then the last 3 I did really well and stopped being so angry but I got out and went right back to partying for a while. The few days I was out before I relapsed I had a glow about me and was really happy and healthy I really don't know why I went back to drinking and using drugs.  During this time My self esteem really was shattered I started puking up my food for a little while and would go on pro ana sites (pro anorexic) to lose weight even though I was never fat... I still continued to cut whenever I didn't have any booze or drugs so that I didn't flip out. Some of my friends were very blunt and rude at time to me and they thought I could handle it because I w as funny and would joke around so much they would say things that weren't meant to be mean but It took blows to my ego and self esteem. So I turned around and used even more. This year I had tried out for the High School danceline and made it, That was really exciting and I did make some really good friends but also lost some because of my crazy lifestyle.. Moving onto my sophomore year...