One Death..Two Death..

September of 2008 was a shitty month I had to fly back to my home state for both my grandmas funerals. That was probably the worst month of my life. I was really close with both my grandmas and my dads mom, I watched her take her last breath...That was hard, I wouldn't change that for the world but it was definitely really hard and I still cry anytime I think about it. I used during this whole time and upset my parents so they said you find you own way back home.. The night of one of my grandmas funerals me and a few cousins went out and my sisters came too and I ordered some drinks at the bar and the sister that doesn't used tried to take them from me and it spilled all over so i cussed her out and she left but luckily my parents didn't do anything because I had warrants out from leaving the state and still being on probation, after she left my cousin felt we needed to go and 3 minutes after we left 3 people got shot and it was not good... It was just weird how that all played out..

 after that I stayed with my cousin for a few days until my best friend took me in for a month. I racked up more credit card debt (by this time I had 5 credit cards) I did have enough for a plane ticket but during this time I partied every night and found a pill connection so I was taking pills most of the time. I had fun and I hid my problem to my close friends but I think they still saw through it all and figured there was a problem, I was drinking so heavily it was pretty obvious. I had my ex pick me up from the airport and we continued for about another year to mess around and go back and forth with out relationship...

My Guardian Angel

I had met a guy at a party and he was mormon but little did I know what kind of a dysfunctional and chaotic relationship we were getting ourselves into. He was the love of my life, he helped me through so many rough points in my life however since I used and he didn't there was a huge problem. That caused so much stress in our relationship and considering the beginning of our relationship was basically all lust. We fell in love but it just started out wrong. A few weeks after my 21st birthday in September I landed in the ICU for 2 days from an overdose and then that landed me into a psych ward. I had big issues with abandonment and co dependency and I knew he was probably not over his ex girlfriend. I had such bad paranoid from that and most of it was not just me being crazy, he had texts and e mails from her and to her that were not cool... So I had every right to be upset but it really took a toll on me. I tried to commit suicide a few times because I was in such a drug haze and the paranoia from all of that shit made me literally go insane.It was beyond traumatic for me and my poor parents had to listen to me bitch everyday about it. They are always having to pick up the pieces and I am constantly falling apart its unreal.  At one point he went on vacation to see his family and she lived in the same state as some of his relatives and he lied to me about seeing her and it was just all sketchy. Long story short most of it was him, she had let go but her and I made peace at the end and we are friends now but it took a long time to get there. He really was a piece of work at times, I guess were even considering all the bullshit I put him through. He really did protect me and took care of me, He paid for a lot even though he was cheap sometimes lol he really did help me out. I just could not let him go and that led into a really bad pills and coke addiction along with clubbing and bar hoping like every night at one point. 

We dated for about two years on and off or a year and a half.. something like that but the end got so messy he wanted a restraining order which I thought was a bit much considering I never stalked him, it was a few text messages and e mails... but he was beyond done so I guess I can kinda see why he had to almost take it there.

He was embarrassed of me most of the time and did cut me down for somethings and would make comments about my body and how I couldn't model because I had a few stretch marks that are only visible if I am naked? What an ass.. Later one I proved him wrong but it was little things like that, that continued to take a stab at the low self esteem I had.  I felt like I would never find anyone who would put up with my shit like he did or care for me like he did and so Considering I have huge abandonment issues I just would not let him go.. It took till a year ago for me to actually get over him which was a year and a half. So when they say it takes the same amount of time that you dated to get over the person.. its kind of true. I was pretty close with his family, his sister and I were close and I lived with her for a while because I was once again kicked out of my house for partying to much.  Which was actually  November of 2008. The whole time we dated  I snuck around and used everyday. I would party with friends and use coke when I could, tried Heroin for the first time and  my pills addiction was horrible, I was doctor hoping and would go to ER's around the valley and fake pain so I could continue taking pain pills and Benzos. I had prescriptions for every kind of Benzodiazapine and percocets and vicodins and was buying from my sister. I really don't remember how many I was taking everyday I just know it was well over 10-15. Probably more like 20-30 at times. I don't actually remember a whole lot except for significant memories with him and big things that happened like drama... We definitely had a lot of good times and he came to my cabin with my family a few times but the poor guy stood no chance with me. My addiction was in full force. No matter how hard he tried to help and control who I hung around and what not it didn't make a dent.  

That brings me to September of 2008 A year and a few months after we started dating.. 

A Long and Winding Road

So We drove 3 days to our new house.. I detoxed and slept the whole way.. I remember getting here and being a little freaked out but excited at the same time. I actually had a period of mania after I quit meth, it was weird, it was almost like I was still high for two weeks after. I was still dating that guy I had met in jail... I started seeing psychiatrists down here and got back on pain meds and Benzos. A few months after we had moved my boyfriend at the time came down to visit and we drank that whole week  at our hotel and we also stayed with my oldest sister who didn't care if I used. 5 weeks later I felt a little funny and so I took a pregnancy test and sure as shit I was pregnant! I literally wanted to puke... I was in such shock I didn't know what to do. I didn't use during my pregnancy except the first night I found out I went out and got smashed.. I chose to put my son up fro adoption because I knew I wasn't ready and my boyfriend was not ready either... He was in a treatment facility for a year from his 4th DUI and I didn't have a safe place to live.. no job.. or car.. nothin so I felt it was right to give him a family who could provide everything for him that I couldn't. I picked a wonderful family and I am still close to them to this day, my adoption is really open so I am very happy with it and don't regret what I did at all. I felt really good while I was pregnant, I was sober and my whole lifestyle was changed.. It was a good thing. I gave birth to a 9 pound 1 ounce baby on February 19th 2007. I got to keep him for a week and then He left..

About a month later I started partying again.. Drinking and taking pills of course.. This was when my addiction really took off...I landed in the hospital  few more times during the summer for taking too many pills while drinking, a few more psych wards and more psychiatrists..

Danger Zone

So... me and a few tweaker friends broke into my dads barn and stole a bunch of equipment and pawned it all and bought a bunch of drugs and booze with that money.. I was doing absolutely nothing with my life.. I had no job.. I was stealing and selling shit for drugs and cigarettes and because I was a good looking girl that had all her teeth and wasn't completely ruined looks wise from drugs, guys would buy all my drugs and booze and that was also because they wanted to get in my pants and it worked... I became so reckless my Senior year with sex...It landed me in many bad situations and I was used over and over by men all over..One particular night I was date rapped by my coke dealers brother. I didn't really realize it till a few years later what had happened that night... I am shocked I was never murdered by some psycho I would walk the streets alone downtown spun out of my mind and people were getting shot days later right where I had walked. I mean I was just careless, I thought I was untouchable and I felt so powerful. I had some really psychotic breakdowns though during this time and abused pills really bad because of my anxiety and I drank on a daily basis so I could do more meth and keep the anxiety down. I had a fake id I was only 19 at the time and I would bar hop with the guy I was living with. He was actually the only guy that respected me and didn't torture me like other men. We had fun a lot of the time but  I had no worries, He paid for stuff and I tried to pull in money until I found out my parents were moving out of state... I started using more and became more suicidal, I didn't attempt to do anything but I was in such a meth haze and looked like complete shit and felt like complete shit that the day before they left I decided to go with and that brings me to January of 2006...

Comfortably Numb

When I got home from my lovely vacation full of drama and booze my parents tried one last attempt while i was still living at home to get me sober and took me to yet another psychiatrist and tried a few more medications but none worked.  I continued to drink and do drugs and a few days before my 18th birthday I was kicked out of the house. My meth addiction was raging and my parents couldn't take it anymore. I was ending up in ER's more often for drug induced panic attacks and in detox facilities. My life was really spiraling out of control. Right when I would get out of detox I would start drinking again. This was my senior year of high school and I was pissing it away, obviously not doing my online school my parents were paying hundreds of dollars for and was making a complete ass of myself in front of my peers. Getting kicked out of football games because I was severely intoxicated, trying to jump fences and threaten suicide, a lot of people stayed clear of me because I was so out of control. I took partying to a whole new level, I would cuss people out and parents didn't want me around their kids, I even got kicked out of a few graduation parties of close friends because I was full of drama...But back to October of 2004 the beginning of what my Senior year should have been I Took my boyfriends car one night drunk (wasn't the first time i drove drunk with no license) and a block away from his house I took the wrong turn and ran right into a tree. Totaled the car and so I ran out because I had a bottle in the car and had been drinking and driving all night and was piss drunk and i had burns all over from the airbag I thought i was bleeding so i freaked and found a safe place but the people were freaked out and ended up calling the police and I was then taken to jail and charged with my 1st DWI. I almost got charged with grand Theft but luckily his mom was nice enough not to file charges...

After that My parents took me back in and I had house arrest for 2 weeks and some fines. I continued to use meth and coke whenever I didn't have any meth. I even went to a few college parties when I had a few burns on my face from the DWI.. How embarrassing lol I mean nothing... and I mean NOTHING came in the way of me and partying.. obviously.. My parents caught me drinking in their home shortly after all this and called the cops I made a huge scene in the street through the bottle on the ground cussed the neighbors out and once again got put into detox.. Got out 2 days later and checked into another treatment facility for 30 days. still was in contact with my boyfriend (the same one that I smashed his car) I don't know how and why he was still talking to me... Talk about dysfunctional. I was put on yet another amphetamine called Concerta and then started taking Benzos heavily and this started my doctor and Urgent Care/ER Hoping. A few months later I stopped taking the A.D.H.D medication saw a few more psychiatrists and then Landed in Jail January 2005 for my 2nd DWI. I got another Ankle bracelet and alcohol monitor in my parents house, I was grounded too for a bit but would have friends drop booze and drugs off for me. So again my parents had enough and kicked me out I stayed with one of dealers for a few days. One day I had to run out after maybe a month or two because there were cops surrounding the apartment building and there was some sort of raid going on so I freaked and hitched a ride to my hometown and then found a friend to stay with so I lived with a few guys for like 3 months and it was fun I basically partied everyday used a lot of meth and I did have a job for a month so I had some income. I was making counterfeit money as well to support myself. I was so underweight that I would have dizzy spells and I never ate. I would stay up weeks at a time and literally note eat a thing so when I did work for that month it was hard because I sometimes had zero energy and almost fainted a few times.. I think the people at work knew they all seemed so concerned but no one said anything.. this was actually around the time when I had my first real DT's from alcohol. I dont remember much but some hallucinations and I was shaking and almost stopped breathing at one point, it was freaky..

So anyways...during this time  I drove my dealers friends moms van lol (ya.. random I know...) and I got my 3rd DWI I was on my way to see my other dealer and there was a crack in the windshield and I had meth and counterfeit money in the van too. Luckily I never got charged with those two but I did end up going to jail for 5 months for the 3rd DWI and It was a jail where you could work so I "worked" for my dad and I got to go home everyday and got 12 hour furloughs every sunday a few times I used meth but I would drink every sunday at 8 A.M. when they let me out those gates for 12 hours. I would hang out with my tweaker friend but this is where I met my kids dad... we started dating after we both got out, I think he got out like 2 weeks after me. I was staying with a tweaker friend and using meth really bad I was down to 115 pound and I am 5'8"... It was really gross I am normally 130-135 and thats even thin for me.. This particular boyfriend was the only one my parents still like, hes a good guy but struggles with addiction like me so that never works.. but we dated for a while and I was getting involved in a bunch of tweaker stuff and that lands me to the night I burglarized my dads barn...

Tweakin Around Town

Heres a short poem I had written the end of my Junior year when I was on methamphetamines.

SURVIVAL

Running fast down a path leading to nowhere, All by myself... Im outta breath, Im weak, my systems down, paranoid as fuck, don;t know which way to turn. Steps take forward but sleepwalking back again. Im hungry and tired with no place to go. Scared and lonely, heart racing, body twitchin, can't stop, wont stop, just one more bump, room spinnin, gettin hazy, can't walk. start shakin, light headed, fall down, curl up and hope to stay alive...

My junior year was filled with 3 different treatment centers starting with my second time in Hazelden. I was a mess and suicidal most of the time, I hated myself and I was severely depressed about the way I looked and I Hated my body. I had a weight journal.. A living will and a page in my journal where I had listed 25 reason why I should die. I literally hated myself and my life. When my home life was perfect. We lived in a beautiful 3 story home with a huge backyard and a nice hot tub, I had a dog and a pet parrot. My parents gave me everything and I was doing well in dance, although the end of this year I had to drop out because I was gone so much from treatment and high so much I couldn't function.  Overall though I had a pretty good live and had  good friends until I would ruin the relationship. I did have a serious boyfriend during this time that lasted quite a while and we had a lot of drama but he also helped me through a lot of hard times.

During the middle of this year I ran away and was using Adderall and drinking and smoking weed but the cops found me at my boyfriends house and I got another minor and a run away but they dropped the charges. After all of this drama and actually before I went to treatment I had a ton of other assessments done and was recommended to go to treatment for drugs and alcohol, eating disorder and anxiety/depression. So after 5 months of treatment and 3 different treatment facilities I got out finally and then began using Methamphetamine and Cocaine daily. I was still drinking during this time and also discovered Benzodiazapines. After I started this I took a break and went with my parents to another state to visit my sisters and I drank everyday at my oldest sisters house and got taken advantage of by two different guys one who was very close to me....but I cannot disclose how he was related to me. Things got really dramatic I ended up stealing a 30 pack and two bottles from a grocery store and ran out the emergency exit and luckily didn't get caught but i was beyond reckless... nothing got in my way of getting high or drunk. This was around the time my sisters addiction went into play. The beast was woken...

Comatose

Sophomore year wasn't actually as bad as my Freshman year but I got my 1st Minor and was suicidal and taken to the hospital once again with a blood alcohol level of .3 which is coma for some people. I ended up in some neighbors flower bed and was stumbling around my friends culdasac. I was then taken to a state hospital psych ward which was no cake walk. This place was scary and I was there for 5 days. My parents kept trying new counselors and such and I tried a therapy called Rapid Eye Therapy. I was smoking pot more than 3 to 4 times a day and drinking whenever I could along with my pill popping. I tried selling my adderall for a while but that ended when I stopped getting it. I was taken out of school and put into charter schools and then we all agreed that online was the best. I wasn't to happy because I was taken out of my element and couldn't screw around as much. My parents tried subliminal tapes and motivational tapes by Anthony Robins. That didn't last very long. My moods were pretty erratic one minute I would be making a special breakfast for my parents and cleaning the house and later that evening I would turn into an angry raging addict. This was the year I missed out on a national dance competition in Vegas and my recitals for that year. That was really hard considering I did well in dance and I loved it. I worked at two different places that year and one job I stole money from the register and clothes and would sell them and my own clothes at  Plados Closet so I could get more money for drugs. I got more minors during this year and I think that put me up to like 6 total... So after 3 the courts stepped in a ordered me to more treatment so that brought me to my Junior year and around December I went to Hazelden once again got kicked out again, I had to pay some fines to the courts and do some community service but during this time I was taken to a homeopathic doctor and put on some vitamins but I don't think I took them long enough for them to work properly.  More money down the drain....More failed attempts to control the beast.