Monday, August 15, 2011

Like A Smurf

So the next day I got picked up and started using hardcore again for almost two weeks. I made money... Can't really disclose how I made money but I had money and I was using Meth and Heroin everyday and I was drinking but not as heavily as I usually do. I didn't go balls to the wall. However with the drugs I did. After a week of using I was at my sisters friends apartment and they were moving so we were all just sitting around waiting for the movers I think but we were all smoking Heroin and there was one kid who had some clean rigs and I took him aside bought some Heroin and did three big shots... which I thought were small but this particular Heroin was really strong and After the 2nd shot I was pretty messed up but I decided to do one more small one before me and this kid left the bathroom. I had to hide this because my sister would not want to be apart of me shooting up. I couldn't really stand up I started throwing up about 10 minutes later and I was so disoriented I didn't know what was going on and I was just in the bathroom the whole time sick and dry heaving after about 20 minutes of that I remember being super tired, like beyond tired... and I even called a few friends to help because my sister wasn't listening and she thought I was just complaining... but I was slowly overdosing and no one knew.. but I knew something was wrong, finally we got in the car and I was excited so I sat in the back and tried to rest and when we stopped at home depot for some reason that was my last memory I must have passed out and I have no idea how long I was out for but I was drooling and foaming and my sister happened to look back and I was completely blue, my lips, nails, legs even, so her fiance flips a bitch and he was freaking out which made her freak out. He has actually dealt with a lot of people overdosing and said hes never seen anyone this far gone, he actually didn't think he could revive me and we sure asa hell didn't have enough time to make it to any hospital. So they checked me and I wasn't breathing and had no pulse so he was breathing air into my lungs and luckily I came to and I don't remember that at all, the next thing I remember was trying to fall back asleep and my sister yelling at me to stay awake and I was angry at her because I wanted to sleep but when we stopped the car she was like dude you just died... I was in total shock, I mean I had no idea obviously... So we got back to her place, that was the next thing I remember and I just sat on the couch and stayed awake for a bit so I didn't pass back out.. That was pretty scary for all of us. I really had no intention of wanting to die this time and it was definitely an eye opening for me...

Walking Skeleton

When I got home I went right back on Klonopin and Valium and Adderall. I was getting different kinds of Adderall from 3 different doctors, one I would get the XR, another doctor I would get the instant release and then the other doctor I would just get different dosages. Same with the Benzos I would get different kinds and dosages so I could get a lot. I dropped like 15-20 pounds right away and looked like death. People were commenting because It was so gross and scary. I was a wreck and also paranoid with this particular guy because of an ex and I've had bad experiences with boyfriends and ex girlfriends lurking in the background and sure as shit he was two timing both of us but obviously I got the shit end of the stick. He really wanted her the whole time and I was just a pawn... I was vulnerable and stupid and we had wedding plans and that part got way carried away and I blame both of us. I was delirious but he didn't help. 

He really portrayed Edwrd from Twilight and I just fell head over heals but thats in the past and it didn't end well I got suicidal and that was partly because I wasn't sleeping or eating and on all these medications so I was just a huge mess. So he ended up technically cheating and then just stopped talking to me, it was horrible so 2 weeks later  I entered a treatment facility and was there for 4 freakin months...It was nice not to have an ankle bracelet on, I had another one of those things on for the two months before treatment. Treatment was tough but I do feel like I grew there and got down to the bottom of some issues, my anxiety is gone now and Im really not depressed and feel I don't even have A.D.H.D however I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder which explains the abandonment issues and co dependency and fears I have. Thats why my relationships were so messed up. My parents weren't comfortable with me coming home so I had to go to transitional housing and the day I left literally a day later I got wasted and didn't come home that night and then naturally got kicked out the next day. I honestly thought they were rude their and I would never recommend that place to ANYONE. That place still makes me angry that leads me to my next overdose...

Unholy Confessions

While I was in treatment it was co ed but we couldn't talk to the guys but there was a guy that caught my eye and we exchanged numbers and so when my mom came to visit me on the saturday I left I had texted him from her phone and told him to come get me and he did and so on my way I went and we went out that night to  a bar and I got wasted and the next day I went to my friends house and stayed with her and didn't contact anyone but I hung with him the whole week or week and a half I was out. I had a little money but spent that on dope and I was bangin again that week with him. My parents filed a missing person report because no on had heard from me except like two of my friends. Him and I started kinda dating and the last night I was on the run we had got some Heroin and apparently it was mixed with coke so that didn't sit well with him and he overdosed.. I walked up stairs from making him like the 3rd sandwich because the damn dog kept eating the first 2 I had made for him. I think he was overdosing for like 20 min before he went out because he seemed sick or something, I tried to make him feel better but then he did more and was turning blue and shit. It was really scary so my friend and I called for an ambulance and then police came. He was saved and I went to jail that night because of the warrant I had out and the next morning I was released because my probation expired.. lol so I guess I got off easy.. at least in that state. I was just glad that legal stuff was done with. After that him and I decided to make it official and somewhere along the lines we got engaged. Everything is a bit hazy during that time and it was all messed up but it happened.. I then flew back home a week after all of that happened. I still took pills and drank before I flew back home and Im sure I got drunk on the plane... my poor dad... Im sure I was a peach!

My Addiction 2010

                              I wrote this when I was a week clean from Heroin
                                                           MY ADDICTION

Year after year I wait for some sort of miracle to happen
While this crazy cycle just keeps getting worse
I think to myself, maybe someone will come out with some magic pill
To cure my addiction..
I sit and wait and try everything under the sun to help me stop

But who am I kidding, deep down it’s just an excuse to keep using
And it buys me more time to “have fun” and be free and it makes me feel better
But in reality this addiction has chained me to the ground
And has stripped all freedom from me

I think at times I am untouchable and that ill quit a month from now
That month comes and I say the same thing again
That is why this cycle never ends and hasn’t

It has taken my soul at times and has caused a lot of pain
Drugs and alcohol are an obsession for me
I dream about it, day dream about it and think about it any chance I can get
Even jail, institutions and near death hasn’t stopped me

I lie to everyone I care about
Manipulate anyone and everyone to get what I want
I will even steal knowing I might get caught
I don’t care about the consequences
or think about how this could affect me

At times its like there is someone in my head but its not me
Its almost like something takes over me at times and
I am a completely different person
Its frightening and terrifies some people
I have lost many friends because I get so out of control

Drugs have givin me courage and hope
It has been the only thing Ive had when ive been really low
Its never failed to be right there by my side
We have been through a lot together
The thought of never using again is scary
Drugs have even helped me come out of my shell
But little did I know it was only a matter of time before it would destroy me
And tear me to the ground and strip all of my confidence and take away all of the fun
That’s how it tricks you, you start off so high up there to only get thrown down to the ground

Its hard because its not like heroin comes in a pill bottle with the side effects on it
And im not talking about the physical side effects
The side effects where you lose your family
Your job, your house and everything that is important to you
But its so easy to think “that wont happen to me” but in time it usually does
If your in the game long enough

I have been so dependent on them I am scared of the unknown
I am scared of how I will cope with certain things

But damn it I have had enough
Enough heart ache
Enough pain
Enough suffering
Enough drama
Its time to put a stop to this madness
Its time to start listening to people
And its time to put more god in my life

I am worth more than a pill or a bottle of wine
Deep down I know that now is my time
Or I may not be alive…

Run Like Hell

I really don't remember much from September 2010-December except I blew through 5500 in like a week or something and was doing every drug...Drinking everyday and I wasn't just getting drunk I would get totally shit faced every night. So Since the spring I had a hard core alcohol addiction along with the drugs and luckily I was prescribed Valium because I would have really bad withdrawals. So August my dad made me turn myself in and it wasn't as bad as I thought and I got sentenced to 45 days house arrest but during the two weeks before I still drank like a fish and was shooting Heroin and Meth and one night after I had been up I had called my dad crying because I wanted drugs so bad and he picked me up and I was so suicidal I tried jumping out of the car and so he pulled over and an ambulance came and of course cops did too and they reported what happened because I had a BAC of .4 but that was nothing for me because my tolerance was so high. I ended up doing meth and drinking the night before I had to get my ankle bracelet on but when I went there they did not let me leave they booked me because of the violation of drinking when the cops showed up with the ambulance... So that was scary about 12 hours later I started having really bad DT's and was up till 5 A.M. finally dozed off for an hour waking up to noises and flashing lights in my room and screamo music...There were scary faces on my door window.. I thought the guards were outside my door watching me and laughing..  So finally after sitting there confused I sat up to find "guys" outside my window right by the road (I had a huge window overlooking a golf course and there was a non accessible road too..) They were throwing rocks at my window and had a pellet gun.. and there were midgets and a guy in a bear suit dancing around.. mooning me.. I was laughing so hard and I was so confused thinking WTF are these people doing.. I hallucinated for two days straight.. It was more funny than scary but considering I thought they were real I didn't see the nurse until the afternoon when I couldn't handle the shakes and then I was taken to the ER because it was so bad and my mouth was completely jacked up with canker soars all over and my tongue had been scrapped raw... It hurt so bad so not only did I have a painful mouth but my withdrawals were not pleasant. 

So after the worst part was over I continued taking 20 mg of Valium daily and then 30 mg of Adderall in jail.. I went to court after 45 days and was sentenced to a treatment center so I had an ankle bracelet for a week before and I drank on that and got away with that somehow but I went to treatment for 30 days and left after 30 days, my anxiety was so bad I couldn't take it and I had to medicate...

On My Own.

Living on my own rent free allowed me to party every night except a few because I actually did hold down a job, They were lenient on me and knew about my addiction but were really caring and helpful but I partied a lot and went to a lot of clubs and more bars and became obsessed with the glamour of it all and I went to some raves and really loved the nightlife. I had a lot of friends and got a lot of guys and a lot of drugs and free booze and I was making good money so I felt on top of the world at times but then when I would go back home alone I felt lonely and sad... I would Skype with friends out of state or drink myself to sleep but it was really depressing. I have a Breathalyzer in my car and the normal length of time is one year but since I continued to drive drunk with it I have an extra 4 years tacked on. I would have random people blow for me and be so intoxicated it was ridiculous. After a while I met some people who had Heroin connections and oxycontin. January of 2010 was when I first tried a needle... I loved it and did it a few more times with this one girl and was using heroin a lot I would either snort it or smoke it or shoot it depending on if it was black tar or china. My work performance and attendance was really dropping and finally one day I came to work and on break my friends came because they had my car and I had smoked 3 oxycontins 80's to myself and went back to work  (thinking I was normal lol) and I literally could not keep my eyes open and I tired so hard to keep awake and finally my assistance manager called me in and she said " We know you are high so you are done here." I was livid and also sad, the guy I was dating was waiting outside for me and I walked out and broke down and pulled out more pills to do... I really loved that job.. So weeks went by and I actually had a copy of the key so one night I needed money for dope and I went and robbed them at like 1 A.M. and stole the money from the register and booked ass out of there, so my friend was driving because I had to hope back in the car quick and his license was suspended... we get pulled over my my tags being expired.. and my car got towed.. I just continued to use and take pills and drug after drug and was even doing a little bit of lean on occasion. So weeks went by and one morning after being up for a couple days I had been doing a lot of heroin and literally did a few lines and there was a knock at the door... it was a few detectives and they said they had to take me down for questioning, I was nodding out really bad I couldn't function at all and long story short I was charged with Burglary class 3 Felony.  I got a lawyer and got it dropped down but I am on probation and thats been hectic because it obviously gets in the way of me using. Right after I got sentenced I moved back home and off to my home state we went...

Repeat Offender

That following December I got my 4th DUI and rear ended someone. That was a mess... So  My car was out of commission for a few months but I was still partying during this time. I moved back home and made more broken promises and attempted to get clean for like the 50th time but I still would fall.I did have some months where I was clean or really doing well but I think besides the pregnancy it was no longer than 3 months tops.. Then I would relapse. I am definitely a chronic relapser... during this time I was very promiscuous, guys, girls 1, 2 or 3 people it didn't matter.. I was constantly at different bars around the valley having a blast at times but underneath all of that was pain and anger This was around the time I got heavy into cocaine and stepped up my pill addiction a little and was taking more and harder/stronger pills and doing the occasional meth. After my DUI I had went out with my sister and her husband and She convinced me to try Ecstasy.. but she convinced me to do not 1 or 2 but 3.. and it was my first time.. Ya that did not end well. After 5 hours or so she started getting sick and I was getting bad anxiety and shortly after my breathing slowed down a lot and i was really cold... I forgot how to breathe and i had to lay down and ride it out.. but it felt like there was a semi truck on my chest. My chest hurt so bad. It was pretty scary but stupid me goes back to the dealer a week later and buys more, I thought maybe if i just took one instead of 3 I would be fine but I got a panic attack and went to the ER for some benzos, so that was definitely not fun. I think it was because I was with a guy that I didn't feel comfortable with and he was just not comforting. My relationship with my ex continued to get worse and after another year of that he started dating one of my so called friends. I still can't stand this girl to this day, she ruins everyones relationship. She is a snake and she's downright sick.
I really thought I couldn't go on without him so the tighter I held on the worse it got and she got involved and it was one big huge mess. So I dove further into the bottle and was using coke daily. I had to strip to pay my car payment and I had a good job for 11 months but my habit was so expensive when I would get my student loan I would spend a few grand in one night. During this time I had moved in with my coke head friend and our dealer was there like everyday he basically lived there. So I was getting free drugs and he was even helping me pay some of my DUI fines and a car payment I think once. He actually was a decent guy and made sure I never went hungry and had a place. I had to get away from my ex and that also meant drowning my sorrows in booze and drugs. I've had a lot of close calls with more overdoses which I think by the grace of God I was saved for some reason.  One particular night I had been up all night doing coke and meth and drinking over a bottle to myself and then took a bunch of morphine,somas, two different kinds of benzos and a  bunch of percocet and vicodins...and smoked a little heroin.. I don't know how I am still alive from that but luckily I made it home and mid text to my parents I passed out and they rushed back to take me to the ER and I was fine but that was scary and the doctor thought I was nuts.. I had so much pain and felt so abandoned by people I was beyond lost. I didn't know who I was or what I even wanted at times. My opiate addiction was getting really bad so I went on Suboxone for a while but I was still drinking and using coke so really it was pointless, but I was trying...This went on for a while and then I moved back home fall of 2009 for a bit and then that December I got a domestic violence charge and criminal damage... That happened with my mom...the details are really quite terrifying and I was really scary but long story short I said and did some things that night that I wish on everything that I could take back. So naturally I was kicked out and I found a place to stay, no rent I just had to pay for my own shit obviously and then food. 

One Death..Two Death..

September of 2008 was a shitty month I had to fly back to my home state for both my grandmas funerals. That was probably the worst month of my life. I was really close with both my grandmas and my dads mom, I watched her take her last breath...That was hard, I wouldn't change that for the world but it was definitely really hard and I still cry anytime I think about it. I used during this whole time and upset my parents so they said you find you own way back home.. The night of one of my grandmas funerals me and a few cousins went out and my sisters came too and I ordered some drinks at the bar and the sister that doesn't used tried to take them from me and it spilled all over so i cussed her out and she left but luckily my parents didn't do anything because I had warrants out from leaving the state and still being on probation, after she left my cousin felt we needed to go and 3 minutes after we left 3 people got shot and it was not good... It was just weird how that all played out..
 after that I stayed with my cousin for a few days until my best friend took me in for a month. I racked up more credit card debt (by this time I had 5 credit cards) I did have enough for a plane ticket but during this time I partied every night and found a pill connection so I was taking pills most of the time. I had fun and I hid my problem to my close friends but I think they still saw through it all and figured there was a problem, I was drinking so heavily it was pretty obvious. I had my ex pick me up from the airport and we continued for about another year to mess around and go back and forth with out relationship...

My Guardian Angel

I had met a guy at a party and he was mormon but little did I know what kind of a dysfunctional and chaotic relationship we were getting ourselves into. He was the love of my life, he helped me through so many rough points in my life however since I used and he didn't there was a huge problem. That caused so much stress in our relationship and considering the beginning of our relationship was basically all lust. We fell in love but it just started out wrong. A few weeks after my 21st birthday in September I landed in the ICU for 2 days from an overdose and then that landed me into a psych ward. I had big issues with abandonment and co dependency and I knew he was probably not over his ex girlfriend. I had such bad paranoid from that and most of it was not just me being crazy, he had texts and e mails from her and to her that were not cool... So I had every right to be upset but it really took a toll on me. I tried to commit suicide a few times because I was in such a drug haze and the paranoia from all of that shit made me literally go insane.It was beyond traumatic for me and my poor parents had to listen to me bitch everyday about it. They are always having to pick up the pieces and I am constantly falling apart its unreal.  At one point he went on vacation to see his family and she lived in the same state as some of his relatives and he lied to me about seeing her and it was just all sketchy. Long story short most of it was him, she had let go but her and I made peace at the end and we are friends now but it took a long time to get there. He really was a piece of work at times, I guess were even considering all the bullshit I put him through. He really did protect me and took care of me, He paid for a lot even though he was cheap sometimes lol he really did help me out. I just could not let him go and that led into a really bad pills and coke addiction along with clubbing and bar hoping like every night at one point. 

We dated for about two years on and off or a year and a half.. something like that but the end got so messy he wanted a restraining order which I thought was a bit much considering I never stalked him, it was a few text messages and e mails... but he was beyond done so I guess I can kinda see why he had to almost take it there.

He was embarrassed of me most of the time and did cut me down for somethings and would make comments about my body and how I couldn't model because I had a few stretch marks that are only visible if I am naked? What an ass.. Later one I proved him wrong but it was little things like that, that continued to take a stab at the low self esteem I had.  I felt like I would never find anyone who would put up with my shit like he did or care for me like he did and so Considering I have huge abandonment issues I just would not let him go.. It took till a year ago for me to actually get over him which was a year and a half. So when they say it takes the same amount of time that you dated to get over the person.. its kind of true. I was pretty close with his family, his sister and I were close and I lived with her for a while because I was once again kicked out of my house for partying to much.  Which was actually  November of 2008. The whole time we dated  I snuck around and used everyday. I would party with friends and use coke when I could, tried Heroin for the first time and  my pills addiction was horrible, I was doctor hoping and would go to ER's around the valley and fake pain so I could continue taking pain pills and Benzos. I had prescriptions for every kind of Benzodiazapine and percocets and vicodins and was buying from my sister. I really don't remember how many I was taking everyday I just know it was well over 10-15. Probably more like 20-30 at times. I don't actually remember a whole lot except for significant memories with him and big things that happened like drama... We definitely had a lot of good times and he came to my cabin with my family a few times but the poor guy stood no chance with me. My addiction was in full force. No matter how hard he tried to help and control who I hung around and what not it didn't make a dent.  

That brings me to September of 2008 A year and a few months after we started dating.. 

A Long and Winding Road

So We drove 3 days to our new house.. I detoxed and slept the whole way.. I remember getting here and being a little freaked out but excited at the same time. I actually had a period of mania after I quit meth, it was weird, it was almost like I was still high for two weeks after. I was still dating that guy I had met in jail... I started seeing psychiatrists down here and got back on pain meds and Benzos. A few months after we had moved my boyfriend at the time came down to visit and we drank that whole week  at our hotel and we also stayed with my oldest sister who didn't care if I used. 5 weeks later I felt a little funny and so I took a pregnancy test and sure as shit I was pregnant! I literally wanted to puke... I was in such shock I didn't know what to do. I didn't use during my pregnancy except the first night I found out I went out and got smashed.. I chose to put my son up fro adoption because I knew I wasn't ready and my boyfriend was not ready either... He was in a treatment facility for a year from his 4th DUI and I didn't have a safe place to live.. no job.. or car.. nothin so I felt it was right to give him a family who could provide everything for him that I couldn't. I picked a wonderful family and I am still close to them to this day, my adoption is really open so I am very happy with it and don't regret what I did at all. I felt really good while I was pregnant, I was sober and my whole lifestyle was changed.. It was a good thing. I gave birth to a 9 pound 1 ounce baby on February 19th 2007. I got to keep him for a week and then He left..

About a month later I started partying again.. Drinking and taking pills of course.. This was when my addiction really took off...I landed in the hospital  few more times during the summer for taking too many pills while drinking, a few more psych wards and more psychiatrists..

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Danger Zone

So... me and a few tweaker friends broke into my dads barn and stole a bunch of equipment and pawned it all and bought a bunch of drugs and booze with that money.. I was doing absolutely nothing with my life.. I had no job.. I was stealing and selling shit for drugs and cigarettes and because I was a good looking girl that had all her teeth and wasn't completely ruined looks wise from drugs, guys would buy all my drugs and booze and that was also because they wanted to get in my pants and it worked... I became so reckless my Senior year with sex...It landed me in many bad situations and I was used over and over by men all over..One particular night I was date rapped by my coke dealers brother. I didn't really realize it till a few years later what had happened that night... I am shocked I was never murdered by some psycho I would walk the streets alone downtown spun out of my mind and people were getting shot days later right where I had walked. I mean I was just careless, I thought I was untouchable and I felt so powerful. I had some really psychotic breakdowns though during this time and abused pills really bad because of my anxiety and I drank on a daily basis so I could do more meth and keep the anxiety down. I had a fake id I was only 19 at the time and I would bar hop with the guy I was living with. He was actually the only guy that respected me and didn't torture me like other men. We had fun a lot of the time but  I had no worries, He paid for stuff and I tried to pull in money until I found out my parents were moving out of state... I started using more and became more suicidal, I didn't attempt to do anything but I was in such a meth haze and looked like complete shit and felt like complete shit that the day before they left I decided to go with and that brings me to January of 2006...

Comfortably Numb

When I got home from my lovely vacation full of drama and booze my parents tried one last attempt while i was still living at home to get me sober and took me to yet another psychiatrist and tried a few more medications but none worked.  I continued to drink and do drugs and a few days before my 18th birthday I was kicked out of the house. My meth addiction was raging and my parents couldn't take it anymore. I was ending up in ER's more often for drug induced panic attacks and in detox facilities. My life was really spiraling out of control. Right when I would get out of detox I would start drinking again. This was my senior year of high school and I was pissing it away, obviously not doing my online school my parents were paying hundreds of dollars for and was making a complete ass of myself in front of my peers. Getting kicked out of football games because I was severely intoxicated, trying to jump fences and threaten suicide, a lot of people stayed clear of me because I was so out of control. I took partying to a whole new level, I would cuss people out and parents didn't want me around their kids, I even got kicked out of a few graduation parties of close friends because I was full of drama...But back to October of 2004 the beginning of what my Senior year should have been I Took my boyfriends car one night drunk (wasn't the first time i drove drunk with no license) and a block away from his house I took the wrong turn and ran right into a tree. Totaled the car and so I ran out because I had a bottle in the car and had been drinking and driving all night and was piss drunk and i had burns all over from the airbag I thought i was bleeding so i freaked and found a safe place but the people were freaked out and ended up calling the police and I was then taken to jail and charged with my 1st DWI. I almost got charged with grand Theft but luckily his mom was nice enough not to file charges...

After that My parents took me back in and I had house arrest for 2 weeks and some fines. I continued to use meth and coke whenever I didn't have any meth. I even went to a few college parties when I had a few burns on my face from the DWI.. How embarrassing lol I mean nothing... and I mean NOTHING came in the way of me and partying.. obviously.. My parents caught me drinking in their home shortly after all this and called the cops I made a huge scene in the street through the bottle on the ground cussed the neighbors out and once again got put into detox.. Got out 2 days later and checked into another treatment facility for 30 days. still was in contact with my boyfriend (the same one that I smashed his car) I don't know how and why he was still talking to me... Talk about dysfunctional. I was put on yet another amphetamine called Concerta and then started taking Benzos heavily and this started my doctor and Urgent Care/ER Hoping. A few months later I stopped taking the A.D.H.D medication saw a few more psychiatrists and then Landed in Jail January 2005 for my 2nd DWI. I got another Ankle bracelet and alcohol monitor in my parents house, I was grounded too for a bit but would have friends drop booze and drugs off for me. So again my parents had enough and kicked me out I stayed with one of dealers for a few days. One day I had to run out after maybe a month or two because there were cops surrounding the apartment building and there was some sort of raid going on so I freaked and hitched a ride to my hometown and then found a friend to stay with so I lived with a few guys for like 3 months and it was fun I basically partied everyday used a lot of meth and I did have a job for a month so I had some income. I was making counterfeit money as well to support myself. I was so underweight that I would have dizzy spells and I never ate. I would stay up weeks at a time and literally note eat a thing so when I did work for that month it was hard because I sometimes had zero energy and almost fainted a few times.. I think the people at work knew they all seemed so concerned but no one said anything.. this was actually around the time when I had my first real DT's from alcohol. I dont remember much but some hallucinations and I was shaking and almost stopped breathing at one point, it was freaky..

So anyways...during this time  I drove my dealers friends moms van lol (ya.. random I know...) and I got my 3rd DWI I was on my way to see my other dealer and there was a crack in the windshield and I had meth and counterfeit money in the van too. Luckily I never got charged with those two but I did end up going to jail for 5 months for the 3rd DWI and It was a jail where you could work so I "worked" for my dad and I got to go home everyday and got 12 hour furloughs every sunday a few times I used meth but I would drink every sunday at 8 A.M. when they let me out those gates for 12 hours. I would hang out with my tweaker friend but this is where I met my kids dad... we started dating after we both got out, I think he got out like 2 weeks after me. I was staying with a tweaker friend and using meth really bad I was down to 115 pound and I am 5'8"... It was really gross I am normally 130-135 and thats even thin for me.. This particular boyfriend was the only one my parents still like, hes a good guy but struggles with addiction like me so that never works.. but we dated for a while and I was getting involved in a bunch of tweaker stuff and that lands me to the night I burglarized my dads barn...

Tweakin Around Town

Heres a short poem I had written the end of my Junior year when I was on methamphetamines.

Running fast down a path leading to nowhere, All by myself... Im outta breath, Im weak, my systems down, paranoid as fuck, don;t know which way to turn. Steps take forward but sleepwalking back again. Im hungry and tired with no place to go. Scared and lonely, heart racing, body twitchin, can't stop, wont stop, just one more bump, room spinnin, gettin hazy, can't walk. start shakin, light headed, fall down, curl up and hope to stay alive...

My junior year was filled with 3 different treatment centers starting with my second time in Hazelden. I was a mess and suicidal most of the time, I hated myself and I was severely depressed about the way I looked and I Hated my body. I had a weight journal.. A living will and a page in my journal where I had listed 25 reason why I should die. I literally hated myself and my life. When my home life was perfect. We lived in a beautiful 3 story home with a huge backyard and a nice hot tub, I had a dog and a pet parrot. My parents gave me everything and I was doing well in dance, although the end of this year I had to drop out because I was gone so much from treatment and high so much I couldn't function.  Overall though I had a pretty good live and had  good friends until I would ruin the relationship. I did have a serious boyfriend during this time that lasted quite a while and we had a lot of drama but he also helped me through a lot of hard times.

During the middle of this year I ran away and was using Adderall and drinking and smoking weed but the cops found me at my boyfriends house and I got another minor and a run away but they dropped the charges. After all of this drama and actually before I went to treatment I had a ton of other assessments done and was recommended to go to treatment for drugs and alcohol, eating disorder and anxiety/depression. So after 5 months of treatment and 3 different treatment facilities I got out finally and then began using Methamphetamine and Cocaine daily. I was still drinking during this time and also discovered Benzodiazapines. After I started this I took a break and went with my parents to another state to visit my sisters and I drank everyday at my oldest sisters house and got taken advantage of by two different guys one who was very close to me....but I cannot disclose how he was related to me. Things got really dramatic I ended up stealing a 30 pack and two bottles from a grocery store and ran out the emergency exit and luckily didn't get caught but i was beyond reckless... nothing got in my way of getting high or drunk. This was around the time my sisters addiction went into play. The beast was woken...


Sophomore year wasn't actually as bad as my Freshman year but I got my 1st Minor and was suicidal and taken to the hospital once again with a blood alcohol level of .3 which is coma for some people. I ended up in some neighbors flower bed and was stumbling around my friends culdasac. I was then taken to a state hospital psych ward which was no cake walk. This place was scary and I was there for 5 days. My parents kept trying new counselors and such and I tried a therapy called Rapid Eye Therapy. I was smoking pot more than 3 to 4 times a day and drinking whenever I could along with my pill popping. I tried selling my adderall for a while but that ended when I stopped getting it. I was taken out of school and put into charter schools and then we all agreed that online was the best. I wasn't to happy because I was taken out of my element and couldn't screw around as much. My parents tried subliminal tapes and motivational tapes by Anthony Robins. That didn't last very long. My moods were pretty erratic one minute I would be making a special breakfast for my parents and cleaning the house and later that evening I would turn into an angry raging addict. This was the year I missed out on a national dance competition in Vegas and my recitals for that year. That was really hard considering I did well in dance and I loved it. I worked at two different places that year and one job I stole money from the register and clothes and would sell them and my own clothes at  Plados Closet so I could get more money for drugs. I got more minors during this year and I think that put me up to like 6 total... So after 3 the courts stepped in a ordered me to more treatment so that brought me to my Junior year and around December I went to Hazelden once again got kicked out again, I had to pay some fines to the courts and do some community service but during this time I was taken to a homeopathic doctor and put on some vitamins but I don't think I took them long enough for them to work properly.  More money down the drain....More failed attempts to control the beast.

Party Like A Rockstar

I want to hold my breath for as long as it takes. I want to stop breathing just long enough to know what it would be like to be totally still. Like being just a cough away from death. Not really there- not really here. -Me

9th grade... what a year.. I really went haywire this year. I continued to party and was finally crowned class clown.. What I had worked for.. pretty pathetic but I took pride in my work. I was still in dance and performing but this year I started with small groups/ large groups and I did a solo. Won some awards and did really well. partying didn't effect my dancing quite yet.My parents had put me in more counseling trying different counselors and also psychiatrists and testing/assessments. It was getting out of control. I even tried A.A. for the first time at 15 years old! crazy! I started using inhalants, huffing things around the house like dust off and hairspray and my dads deodorant (Arid) pretty disgusting... I would take a bath towel and put it over the nosel and go at it. Im sure I have some nasty brain damage from that stuff. I also would drink cough syrup and take coricidin pills. I use to suck down bottles at a time and take handfuls of those pills to trip all day long at school. A few times I landed in the nurses office because I couldn't stand up.. It was beyond embarrassing. I would bring bottles of booze to school and put them in water-bottles and blatantly drink them in class and get piss drunk. I also started taking pills like percocet and vicodin... I occasionally would abuse my adderall and ritilan that I got from my doctor.

I started failing classes and getting suspended for things like mooning but I made sure I had a way to get my drugs and booze. Nothing mattered but getting high and keeping my reputation which was really probably getting shattered but I  thought i was hardcore. I think being that young it was portrayed as cool and I was looked at as funny and a lot of fun but what people didn't know was the pain i felt inside and the shit I pushed deep down. I was put on a special plan called a 504 plan for kids with A.D.H.D and who were suffering in school academically wise. I harassed a few kids and it ended up pretty bad where their parents were called and I was called into the counseling office where I was blasted. I really meant no harm I just took my humor too far a lot of the times and it ended me in the principles office a lot. I got very close with the school drug counselor being as though I was called in a lot because I was always loaded in school. I started messing around with guys during this time but still kept my virginity for another year at least. I missed my 9th grade formal because I was in an inpatient facility for drugs and alcohol and missed out on a lot of normal teenage stuff because of my addiction.
 This would have been a great year for one of these if it were invented back then...

My parents continued to drag me to more counselors and psychiatrists and I was put on more medications for more trial runs including Adderall, Strattera, Ritilan, Effexor, Zyprexa, Trileptal and Wellbutrin. Those were just a few. I tried Biofeedback and hypnotherapy during this time as well. So after all of these attempts failed my parents tried another outpatient but those didn't last so they put me into a 30 day inpatient treatment I first went to Hazelden and got kicked out because I was getting to close to a guy who was 18 (I was only 15) and He was obsessed with me but to me I felt special and loved and the attention was nice, I got pretty attached as well so when i was kicked out i lost it. I remember really being devastated when we had to split up. One counselor there thought I might be Bi-Polar but I was never diagnosed. I still had Anxiety, A.D.H.D and Depression. Since I got kicked out my parents shipped me out of state to a 6 week wilderness program and I was so angry I didn't write them for about 3 weeks then the last 3 I did really well and stopped being so angry but I got out and went right back to partying for a while. The few days I was out before I relapsed I had a glow about me and was really happy and healthy I really don't know why I went back to drinking and using drugs.  During this time My self esteem really was shattered I started puking up my food for a little while and would go on pro ana sites (pro anorexic) to lose weight even though I was never fat... I still continued to cut whenever I didn't have any booze or drugs so that I didn't flip out. Some of my friends were very blunt and rude at time to me and they thought I could handle it because I w as funny and would joke around so much they would say things that weren't meant to be mean but It took blows to my ego and self esteem. So I turned around and used even more. This year I had tried out for the High School danceline and made it, That was really exciting and I did make some really good friends but also lost some because of my crazy lifestyle.. Moving onto my sophomore year...

Mass Destruction

"Here is where you are,There is where you want to be, but you can't get there from here."

Junior High was interesting to say the least. There was a lot of pressure to be the prettiest and the funniest and the skinniest.. I am actually pretty competitive and I am definitely a perfectionist so  that kind of pressure was not good for me especially with my anxiety because with that I felt the need to be perfect even more to suppers the anxious feelings. Starting in 4th grade every year we went to Orlando Florida for a vacation, my parents had a timeshare and we always chose to go there so when I was 13 my oldest sister decided to come, she had just split up from her first husband so she was able to come. She drank and smoked so When I had the chance she would sneak me booze on the trip and I smoked a little (cigarettes that is) and my parents found out and were not happy with either of us. I remember really liking the feeling and it was fun hanging with adults and good looking guys. After that trip I actually never messed with drinking until 14 years old. Also during 7th grade me and a few friends were tormented by a few older guys in our school. I really don't remember why but it was not fun, We got our revenge and then after that they egged my house but that was the last of that shit. I started to tease a lot of kids during all of this and because of my humor and the attention I was getting that made me take it a step further and I started making fun of people and acting out. I still got positive attention from it but it was cruel. I wouldn't be surprised if i was on a few hit lists.One kid did threaten to bring a gun to school and kill me and another friend and we took that as a joke... Ya not really funny now that I look back.

8th grade was tough for me. The pressures were starting to really get to me and thats when I started smoking weed and drank a few more times. Drinking was harder to do at the time so I really only got drunk a few times and I did actually try meth for the first time not really knowing what it was and didn't do it again till I was 17. I started cutting to ease some of the pain. I remember really wanting to be at the top and I got my wish but I paid a price for it..The more I strived to be the best and the funniest etc the worse my addiction and depression got. I wrote my first suicide letter on easter that year. My parents started taking me to psychiatrists and counselors and I was put on different depression medications. I was a test subject during my teen years, I have been on all the main medications out there. I have tried everything except electroshock therapy lol.

 At that age I was diagnosed once again with Anxiety and then depression was added to the mix. Wrote another suicide note a few months later and went into the ER for that one. Saw more psychiatrists and counselors and was even put into an outpatient for drugs and alcohol and mental health issues. Had a few other assessments done and drug treatment centers and other outpatient agencies. My poor parents really wanted so badly for me to stop hurting but it just started a whirlwind of unsuccessful attempts....

Where it all began

"Even when I took the drugs I realized that this just wasn't fun anymore. The drugs had become a part of my routine. Something to wake me up. Something to help me sleep. Something to calm my nerves. There was a time when I was able to wake up, go to sleep, and have fun without a pill or a line to help me function. These days it felt like I might have a nervous breakdown if I didn't have them." 

Starting at a very young age I was a very out of control hyperactive kid. I was also very violent as well and had major attachment issues and was very afraid of abandonment. My parents were very good parents I got everything I wanted and was take care of very well. My family was fairly normal. I grew up mormon and was raised with high standards although I rarely ever followed the standards my parents taught and set for me. At 3 years old I use to trash my room and tear down my dresser and break the glass on pictures... I was a very disturbed child. When I turned 5 we moved to another city and I got involved with some kids in the neighborhood and started acting out sexually. I have no idea where I learned how to fool around at such a young age but I would mess around with the neighbor boys and girls, we would do everything but sex. Some of the kids were from foster homes and the other few had a dad who molested them so maybe thats where I learned it from was them. I guess i will never know because I cannot remember. Regardless... it happened and It happened more than a few times. I didn't really have any major trauma in my childhood. There was one incident at age 6 I think where a neighbor boy choked me and It was really scary. I remember laying on the ground and I couldn't breathe at all, like he was definitely cutting my air supply off. I hated that little bastard but luckily my sister came to my rescue and broke it up. Besides that all of the messed up things that happened to me during my childhood were all me.. I use to cuss all the time and try and force my friends to do bad things... I've chased after my sister with a knife before and pushed her down the stairs.. just really weird shit... You'd think I was raped or abused as a kid because of the way I acted. 

After all of this my parents sent me to counseling and I hated it. I flipped out a few times in the office by slamming doors and yelling so we stopped going after a few sessions. They diagnosed me with A.D.H.D and Anxiety. Clearly I had anger issues as well but I was never medicated for any of these. There were a few years after this where I was fine and I seemed to level out and act normal... 
Starting in kindergarden I started getting into trouble always being called down to the principles office and getting detention. I tried to beat a kid up in 2nd grade... used a few racial slurs on a girl in 1st grade... cussed some kid out in kindergarden and smashed a kids bike in 3rd grade... 2nd grade I had trouble making friends I felt like a loner luckily that didn't last long and A girl my age befriended me and we actually became best friends and still are to this day. I was pretty mean to her in the beginning of our friendship, Im shocked she still stuck around. I tried peeing on her head, i used to make her swear and act out and I even left her on the playground in just her underwear..(don't ask) 

My parents were never abusive there was some yelling and one time my dad left for a few days and slept at his work (he owns a car lot) and I thought they were going to split up.. thank god they didn't but there definitely was some major yelling going on at times. I think some of my anxiety as a kid came from that and my mom and sister always fighting. The tension in the household at times was probably pretty high.
My two oldest sister were in dance and so my mom was always gone with them, I started when I was 5 but me and my dad were really close. I would spend a lot of my time with him and we would go camping and go to the lake or pond and look for frogs and turtles. My parents really spoiled me rotten and up until I was in my teens I was a daddy's girl. I was close with my mom too but I was so much a tom boy I bonded with my dad more as a kid. 

From 3rd grade to about 6th things went pretty well actually. Besides being a class clown...not wearing any underwear and doing an occasional cartwheel naked in my sisters room to dry off after my baths things weren't all that bad. I made it on a performing line in dance in 3rd grade and did really well. I had a lot of fun. Dance was a healthy outlet for me. However I had major anxiety around some of the boys at the studio which later in life that switched and I became the town player but when I was younger I would get so nervous around guys. My family would joke about it. I absolutely hated it!

 I had a lot of friends though once I started dance and became more outgoing. I would channel my hyperactivity into being a comedian and it worked for my anxiety as well because people would then notice me and they liked me. I got a lot of positive attention from it so that took away from the social anxiety. Kinda weird but it worked out and it was an outlet for me to escape from any problems. I would use my humor to lighten a situation or if a situation was to tough on me I would start joking around. I was rarely serious...Things really took off after elementary school. When I was 12 I took my first drink and smoke. and that really completes my childhood. My teens were really where it all went downhill....