Sunday, August 14, 2011

Tweakin Around Town

Heres a short poem I had written the end of my Junior year when I was on methamphetamines.

Running fast down a path leading to nowhere, All by myself... Im outta breath, Im weak, my systems down, paranoid as fuck, don;t know which way to turn. Steps take forward but sleepwalking back again. Im hungry and tired with no place to go. Scared and lonely, heart racing, body twitchin, can't stop, wont stop, just one more bump, room spinnin, gettin hazy, can't walk. start shakin, light headed, fall down, curl up and hope to stay alive...

My junior year was filled with 3 different treatment centers starting with my second time in Hazelden. I was a mess and suicidal most of the time, I hated myself and I was severely depressed about the way I looked and I Hated my body. I had a weight journal.. A living will and a page in my journal where I had listed 25 reason why I should die. I literally hated myself and my life. When my home life was perfect. We lived in a beautiful 3 story home with a huge backyard and a nice hot tub, I had a dog and a pet parrot. My parents gave me everything and I was doing well in dance, although the end of this year I had to drop out because I was gone so much from treatment and high so much I couldn't function.  Overall though I had a pretty good live and had  good friends until I would ruin the relationship. I did have a serious boyfriend during this time that lasted quite a while and we had a lot of drama but he also helped me through a lot of hard times.

During the middle of this year I ran away and was using Adderall and drinking and smoking weed but the cops found me at my boyfriends house and I got another minor and a run away but they dropped the charges. After all of this drama and actually before I went to treatment I had a ton of other assessments done and was recommended to go to treatment for drugs and alcohol, eating disorder and anxiety/depression. So after 5 months of treatment and 3 different treatment facilities I got out finally and then began using Methamphetamine and Cocaine daily. I was still drinking during this time and also discovered Benzodiazapines. After I started this I took a break and went with my parents to another state to visit my sisters and I drank everyday at my oldest sisters house and got taken advantage of by two different guys one who was very close to me....but I cannot disclose how he was related to me. Things got really dramatic I ended up stealing a 30 pack and two bottles from a grocery store and ran out the emergency exit and luckily didn't get caught but i was beyond reckless... nothing got in my way of getting high or drunk. This was around the time my sisters addiction went into play. The beast was woken...