Monday, August 15, 2011

My Guardian Angel

I had met a guy at a party and he was mormon but little did I know what kind of a dysfunctional and chaotic relationship we were getting ourselves into. He was the love of my life, he helped me through so many rough points in my life however since I used and he didn't there was a huge problem. That caused so much stress in our relationship and considering the beginning of our relationship was basically all lust. We fell in love but it just started out wrong. A few weeks after my 21st birthday in September I landed in the ICU for 2 days from an overdose and then that landed me into a psych ward. I had big issues with abandonment and co dependency and I knew he was probably not over his ex girlfriend. I had such bad paranoid from that and most of it was not just me being crazy, he had texts and e mails from her and to her that were not cool... So I had every right to be upset but it really took a toll on me. I tried to commit suicide a few times because I was in such a drug haze and the paranoia from all of that shit made me literally go insane.It was beyond traumatic for me and my poor parents had to listen to me bitch everyday about it. They are always having to pick up the pieces and I am constantly falling apart its unreal.  At one point he went on vacation to see his family and she lived in the same state as some of his relatives and he lied to me about seeing her and it was just all sketchy. Long story short most of it was him, she had let go but her and I made peace at the end and we are friends now but it took a long time to get there. He really was a piece of work at times, I guess were even considering all the bullshit I put him through. He really did protect me and took care of me, He paid for a lot even though he was cheap sometimes lol he really did help me out. I just could not let him go and that led into a really bad pills and coke addiction along with clubbing and bar hoping like every night at one point. 

We dated for about two years on and off or a year and a half.. something like that but the end got so messy he wanted a restraining order which I thought was a bit much considering I never stalked him, it was a few text messages and e mails... but he was beyond done so I guess I can kinda see why he had to almost take it there.

He was embarrassed of me most of the time and did cut me down for somethings and would make comments about my body and how I couldn't model because I had a few stretch marks that are only visible if I am naked? What an ass.. Later one I proved him wrong but it was little things like that, that continued to take a stab at the low self esteem I had.  I felt like I would never find anyone who would put up with my shit like he did or care for me like he did and so Considering I have huge abandonment issues I just would not let him go.. It took till a year ago for me to actually get over him which was a year and a half. So when they say it takes the same amount of time that you dated to get over the person.. its kind of true. I was pretty close with his family, his sister and I were close and I lived with her for a while because I was once again kicked out of my house for partying to much.  Which was actually  November of 2008. The whole time we dated  I snuck around and used everyday. I would party with friends and use coke when I could, tried Heroin for the first time and  my pills addiction was horrible, I was doctor hoping and would go to ER's around the valley and fake pain so I could continue taking pain pills and Benzos. I had prescriptions for every kind of Benzodiazapine and percocets and vicodins and was buying from my sister. I really don't remember how many I was taking everyday I just know it was well over 10-15. Probably more like 20-30 at times. I don't actually remember a whole lot except for significant memories with him and big things that happened like drama... We definitely had a lot of good times and he came to my cabin with my family a few times but the poor guy stood no chance with me. My addiction was in full force. No matter how hard he tried to help and control who I hung around and what not it didn't make a dent.  

That brings me to September of 2008 A year and a few months after we started dating..