Monday, August 15, 2011

Repeat Offender

That following December I got my 4th DUI and rear ended someone. That was a mess... So  My car was out of commission for a few months but I was still partying during this time. I moved back home and made more broken promises and attempted to get clean for like the 50th time but I still would fall.I did have some months where I was clean or really doing well but I think besides the pregnancy it was no longer than 3 months tops.. Then I would relapse. I am definitely a chronic relapser... during this time I was very promiscuous, guys, girls 1, 2 or 3 people it didn't matter.. I was constantly at different bars around the valley having a blast at times but underneath all of that was pain and anger This was around the time I got heavy into cocaine and stepped up my pill addiction a little and was taking more and harder/stronger pills and doing the occasional meth. After my DUI I had went out with my sister and her husband and She convinced me to try Ecstasy.. but she convinced me to do not 1 or 2 but 3.. and it was my first time.. Ya that did not end well. After 5 hours or so she started getting sick and I was getting bad anxiety and shortly after my breathing slowed down a lot and i was really cold... I forgot how to breathe and i had to lay down and ride it out.. but it felt like there was a semi truck on my chest. My chest hurt so bad. It was pretty scary but stupid me goes back to the dealer a week later and buys more, I thought maybe if i just took one instead of 3 I would be fine but I got a panic attack and went to the ER for some benzos, so that was definitely not fun. I think it was because I was with a guy that I didn't feel comfortable with and he was just not comforting. My relationship with my ex continued to get worse and after another year of that he started dating one of my so called friends. I still can't stand this girl to this day, she ruins everyones relationship. She is a snake and she's downright sick.
I really thought I couldn't go on without him so the tighter I held on the worse it got and she got involved and it was one big huge mess. So I dove further into the bottle and was using coke daily. I had to strip to pay my car payment and I had a good job for 11 months but my habit was so expensive when I would get my student loan I would spend a few grand in one night. During this time I had moved in with my coke head friend and our dealer was there like everyday he basically lived there. So I was getting free drugs and he was even helping me pay some of my DUI fines and a car payment I think once. He actually was a decent guy and made sure I never went hungry and had a place. I had to get away from my ex and that also meant drowning my sorrows in booze and drugs. I've had a lot of close calls with more overdoses which I think by the grace of God I was saved for some reason.  One particular night I had been up all night doing coke and meth and drinking over a bottle to myself and then took a bunch of morphine,somas, two different kinds of benzos and a  bunch of percocet and vicodins...and smoked a little heroin.. I don't know how I am still alive from that but luckily I made it home and mid text to my parents I passed out and they rushed back to take me to the ER and I was fine but that was scary and the doctor thought I was nuts.. I had so much pain and felt so abandoned by people I was beyond lost. I didn't know who I was or what I even wanted at times. My opiate addiction was getting really bad so I went on Suboxone for a while but I was still drinking and using coke so really it was pointless, but I was trying...This went on for a while and then I moved back home fall of 2009 for a bit and then that December I got a domestic violence charge and criminal damage... That happened with my mom...the details are really quite terrifying and I was really scary but long story short I said and did some things that night that I wish on everything that I could take back. So naturally I was kicked out and I found a place to stay, no rent I just had to pay for my own shit obviously and then food.