Sunday, August 14, 2011

Mass Destruction

"Here is where you are,There is where you want to be, but you can't get there from here."

Junior High was interesting to say the least. There was a lot of pressure to be the prettiest and the funniest and the skinniest.. I am actually pretty competitive and I am definitely a perfectionist so  that kind of pressure was not good for me especially with my anxiety because with that I felt the need to be perfect even more to suppers the anxious feelings. Starting in 4th grade every year we went to Orlando Florida for a vacation, my parents had a timeshare and we always chose to go there so when I was 13 my oldest sister decided to come, she had just split up from her first husband so she was able to come. She drank and smoked so When I had the chance she would sneak me booze on the trip and I smoked a little (cigarettes that is) and my parents found out and were not happy with either of us. I remember really liking the feeling and it was fun hanging with adults and good looking guys. After that trip I actually never messed with drinking until 14 years old. Also during 7th grade me and a few friends were tormented by a few older guys in our school. I really don't remember why but it was not fun, We got our revenge and then after that they egged my house but that was the last of that shit. I started to tease a lot of kids during all of this and because of my humor and the attention I was getting that made me take it a step further and I started making fun of people and acting out. I still got positive attention from it but it was cruel. I wouldn't be surprised if i was on a few hit lists.One kid did threaten to bring a gun to school and kill me and another friend and we took that as a joke... Ya not really funny now that I look back.

8th grade was tough for me. The pressures were starting to really get to me and thats when I started smoking weed and drank a few more times. Drinking was harder to do at the time so I really only got drunk a few times and I did actually try meth for the first time not really knowing what it was and didn't do it again till I was 17. I started cutting to ease some of the pain. I remember really wanting to be at the top and I got my wish but I paid a price for it..The more I strived to be the best and the funniest etc the worse my addiction and depression got. I wrote my first suicide letter on easter that year. My parents started taking me to psychiatrists and counselors and I was put on different depression medications. I was a test subject during my teen years, I have been on all the main medications out there. I have tried everything except electroshock therapy lol.

 At that age I was diagnosed once again with Anxiety and then depression was added to the mix. Wrote another suicide note a few months later and went into the ER for that one. Saw more psychiatrists and counselors and was even put into an outpatient for drugs and alcohol and mental health issues. Had a few other assessments done and drug treatment centers and other outpatient agencies. My poor parents really wanted so badly for me to stop hurting but it just started a whirlwind of unsuccessful attempts....