Monday, August 15, 2011

Walking Skeleton

When I got home I went right back on Klonopin and Valium and Adderall. I was getting different kinds of Adderall from 3 different doctors, one I would get the XR, another doctor I would get the instant release and then the other doctor I would just get different dosages. Same with the Benzos I would get different kinds and dosages so I could get a lot. I dropped like 15-20 pounds right away and looked like death. People were commenting because It was so gross and scary. I was a wreck and also paranoid with this particular guy because of an ex and I've had bad experiences with boyfriends and ex girlfriends lurking in the background and sure as shit he was two timing both of us but obviously I got the shit end of the stick. He really wanted her the whole time and I was just a pawn... I was vulnerable and stupid and we had wedding plans and that part got way carried away and I blame both of us. I was delirious but he didn't help. 

He really portrayed Edwrd from Twilight and I just fell head over heals but thats in the past and it didn't end well I got suicidal and that was partly because I wasn't sleeping or eating and on all these medications so I was just a huge mess. So he ended up technically cheating and then just stopped talking to me, it was horrible so 2 weeks later  I entered a treatment facility and was there for 4 freakin months...It was nice not to have an ankle bracelet on, I had another one of those things on for the two months before treatment. Treatment was tough but I do feel like I grew there and got down to the bottom of some issues, my anxiety is gone now and Im really not depressed and feel I don't even have A.D.H.D however I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder which explains the abandonment issues and co dependency and fears I have. Thats why my relationships were so messed up. My parents weren't comfortable with me coming home so I had to go to transitional housing and the day I left literally a day later I got wasted and didn't come home that night and then naturally got kicked out the next day. I honestly thought they were rude their and I would never recommend that place to ANYONE. That place still makes me angry that leads me to my next overdose...