Sunday, August 14, 2011

Where it all began

"Even when I took the drugs I realized that this just wasn't fun anymore. The drugs had become a part of my routine. Something to wake me up. Something to help me sleep. Something to calm my nerves. There was a time when I was able to wake up, go to sleep, and have fun without a pill or a line to help me function. These days it felt like I might have a nervous breakdown if I didn't have them." 

Starting at a very young age I was a very out of control hyperactive kid. I was also very violent as well and had major attachment issues and was very afraid of abandonment. My parents were very good parents I got everything I wanted and was take care of very well. My family was fairly normal. I grew up mormon and was raised with high standards although I rarely ever followed the standards my parents taught and set for me. At 3 years old I use to trash my room and tear down my dresser and break the glass on pictures... I was a very disturbed child. When I turned 5 we moved to another city and I got involved with some kids in the neighborhood and started acting out sexually. I have no idea where I learned how to fool around at such a young age but I would mess around with the neighbor boys and girls, we would do everything but sex. Some of the kids were from foster homes and the other few had a dad who molested them so maybe thats where I learned it from was them. I guess i will never know because I cannot remember. Regardless... it happened and It happened more than a few times. I didn't really have any major trauma in my childhood. There was one incident at age 6 I think where a neighbor boy choked me and It was really scary. I remember laying on the ground and I couldn't breathe at all, like he was definitely cutting my air supply off. I hated that little bastard but luckily my sister came to my rescue and broke it up. Besides that all of the messed up things that happened to me during my childhood were all me.. I use to cuss all the time and try and force my friends to do bad things... I've chased after my sister with a knife before and pushed her down the stairs.. just really weird shit... You'd think I was raped or abused as a kid because of the way I acted. 

After all of this my parents sent me to counseling and I hated it. I flipped out a few times in the office by slamming doors and yelling so we stopped going after a few sessions. They diagnosed me with A.D.H.D and Anxiety. Clearly I had anger issues as well but I was never medicated for any of these. There were a few years after this where I was fine and I seemed to level out and act normal... 
Starting in kindergarden I started getting into trouble always being called down to the principles office and getting detention. I tried to beat a kid up in 2nd grade... used a few racial slurs on a girl in 1st grade... cussed some kid out in kindergarden and smashed a kids bike in 3rd grade... 2nd grade I had trouble making friends I felt like a loner luckily that didn't last long and A girl my age befriended me and we actually became best friends and still are to this day. I was pretty mean to her in the beginning of our friendship, Im shocked she still stuck around. I tried peeing on her head, i used to make her swear and act out and I even left her on the playground in just her underwear..(don't ask) 

My parents were never abusive there was some yelling and one time my dad left for a few days and slept at his work (he owns a car lot) and I thought they were going to split up.. thank god they didn't but there definitely was some major yelling going on at times. I think some of my anxiety as a kid came from that and my mom and sister always fighting. The tension in the household at times was probably pretty high.
My two oldest sister were in dance and so my mom was always gone with them, I started when I was 5 but me and my dad were really close. I would spend a lot of my time with him and we would go camping and go to the lake or pond and look for frogs and turtles. My parents really spoiled me rotten and up until I was in my teens I was a daddy's girl. I was close with my mom too but I was so much a tom boy I bonded with my dad more as a kid. 

From 3rd grade to about 6th things went pretty well actually. Besides being a class clown...not wearing any underwear and doing an occasional cartwheel naked in my sisters room to dry off after my baths things weren't all that bad. I made it on a performing line in dance in 3rd grade and did really well. I had a lot of fun. Dance was a healthy outlet for me. However I had major anxiety around some of the boys at the studio which later in life that switched and I became the town player but when I was younger I would get so nervous around guys. My family would joke about it. I absolutely hated it!

 I had a lot of friends though once I started dance and became more outgoing. I would channel my hyperactivity into being a comedian and it worked for my anxiety as well because people would then notice me and they liked me. I got a lot of positive attention from it so that took away from the social anxiety. Kinda weird but it worked out and it was an outlet for me to escape from any problems. I would use my humor to lighten a situation or if a situation was to tough on me I would start joking around. I was rarely serious...Things really took off after elementary school. When I was 12 I took my first drink and smoke. and that really completes my childhood. My teens were really where it all went downhill....